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Ok. So I’m finally back with an update. It’s been a wild week. Actually, for me, getting out of bed three days in a row is wild. It’s true. I usually exhaust myself so much when I’m up that I have to stay in bed a day just to recover. That’s how it is with life from a wheelchair. I have to carefully ration my energy. I was forced to learn how to do that physically, and I’m just now learning that it’s just important to keep tabs on my emotional energy.
We all have to discover our own imits. I’m a slow learner. It took me a long time to even get a glimpse of this concept. I lived like I was the emotional equivilent to Wonder Woman. I think I LIKED being Wonder Woman. I got to be the “good guy” all the time. I could handle it all and still keep smiling. Then it just hit me. I suddenly couldn’t handle anything anymore. I was so mad that I wasn’t Wonder Woman! I was more like *Emo Woman! That was really fun!!
So, now I am just as aware of how much or how little emotional energy I have as I am of my physical energy, and I have finally given Wonder Woman the boot and myself permission to relax. If people stress me out, I no longer feel guilty about getting some space. In fact, I don’t feel guilty about a lot of things anymore. Wonder Woman felt responsible for everything and everyone. Now that there is no Wonder Woman, there is no unnesscary guilt. It’s so cool how that works!
On the physical front, I am working on a trip to Pittsburgh to visit my doctor. We are looking into adult stem-cell therapy. There have been some really good results with people who have been paralyzed. Please pray with me about this, and I will give updates as they are available. At the same time I am starting physical and occupational therapy again this Tuesday. I think I am at a place that I will see the results of some healing I’ve gotten recently. Please check back here periodically, because I will post any new improvements.
*In case you’re out of the loop, “emo” is what the kids say when referring to “emotionally disturbed”. As in, “My mom is totaly emo right now!”
Sometimes I get bogged down with the “everydayness” of life. For me, there are just too many things that by nature are repetitive, like lawnwork and laundry and (the worst one of all) bills. I hate doing work that has to be done again in a few hours. Cooking is a real pain, too. I actually like planning and preparing meals, but by the time we’ve claened up from one meal everyone is hungry again! I like work that has a definitive end.
I was getting a bit whiney in my spirit recently about this “everydayness” thing, so I decided to focus on things that I am thankful for that never change. Here are my top 5.
1. God’s character
2. God’s Word
3. The order of the Universe
4. The feeling of a good hug
5. The love of family and friends
I noticed that the things on my list were things eternal. The things that frusrate us (even the really, really painful ones)are only every day things. They’re not eternal. The key to not getting bogged down with the every day is to stay focused on the eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18 (Whole Chapter)
While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.
I was driving my six year old to his day camp this morning. There was nothing extraordinary about it, then suddenly (I love when God throws out a suddenly) I had this very strange sensation on my right arm. It was so unusual that I could almost feel my brain trying desparately to find a file somewhere that had information to explain this small phenomenon. It was taking too long. I started to feel a little anxious. So much so that I was about to ask my teenaged daughter about it. Then, BINGO! My brain reached back into an 11 1/2 year old file and found a match for the feeling on my arm. It was the air conditioner! It’s been that long, since I was paralyzed, that I’ve felt air brush against my right arm! The thing that made it even more difficult to discern is that I couldn’t feel that it was cold. I still don’t have that piece back yet. I was so relieved to know what it was, then I was so thankful to realize I’d gotten more healing.
My thoughts immediately turned to The Body of Christ. Oh, that the Lord would give us the sensitivity to feel the subtleness of His breath. Job 33:4 says [It is] the Spirit of God that made me [which has stirred me up], and the breath of the Almighty that gives me life [which inspires me]. One definition of inspire is: To affect, guide, or arouse by divine influence. I know he wants to meet with His Bride, both corporately and individually, in the secret place and He wants us to be so close to Him that we don’t even have to hear His voice, but only sense the touch of His breath (His annointing) in order to be giuded and aroused to action. The only way to gain that kind of sesitivity is to spend time with Him, meditate on His Word, worship Him and listen to His heart. He is so in love with us that it just takes our turning our attention to Him, for Him to come running to lavish His beloved with His presence.
This grief thing has been tumbling around in my head the last few days. Well, that’s not exactly true. It was more like a deep well of grief inside me was struck, and the grief started gushing up like some kind of over active geyser. I cried for hours, then pulled it together enough to go to my neighbor’s house for the 4th of July.
I faked it pretty well until Ryan showed up. I can’t fake anything around him. Like when we were dating and I was trying to play hard to get and in utter frustration I blurted out,”Oh! It doesn’t matter. I know I’m going to marry you anyway!” So much for being demure. So that’s how I am with him. Wide open! Sometimes it annoys me.
Grief annoys me, too. It doesn’t ask for a proper time to present itself. It just shows up and takes over. It’s almost impossible to ignore or put aside until later, but in our culture we’re expected to somehow tame it. Sometimes I wish we had a wailing wall in every church, so that we could just get it out. Instead, in most churches, they’d take you out if you were really grieving. I was overcome with grief once, so I went to church. I just wanted God, so when the altar call was given, I was the first one there. I must have been some kind of sight because the pastor started making excuses for me to the congregation.
It’s not that way in the African American culture. They know how to grieve and let grieve. They don’t try to explain it away or comfort the person until they are quiet. The word of God says to weep with those who weep. Even Job’s friends had it right until they started trying to explain his problems with their own understanding.
- Job 2:13 (Whole Chapter)
So they sat down with [Job] on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief and pain were very great.
They didn’t speak a word, but they didn’t leave him either. They entered into his suffering with him. That’s the essence of intercession. Intercession is the flip side of grief. That’s what Jesus did for us.
Isaiah 53:4 (Whole Chapter)
Surely He has borne our griefs …
We have to enter into the grief, embrace the cross and allow it to do its work. Once we’ve allowed it to happen, those deep places filled with grief empty out and make room for wells of intercession. Sometimes those wells will be filled with the griefs of others, and sometimes with the grief the Holy Spirit and as they are emptied out to the Lord in intercession, the wells fill up with Living Water for your own life and for others.
So, although I don’t welcome grief, I’ve learned to embrace it. If you are grieving right now, don’t try to stop it. Weep as long and as loudly as you need. Even better, find someone who will enter into it with you, and know for certain that Jesus has entered into your grief and He will turn your sorrow into gladness and your mourning into praise. It really will happen. The blood of Jesus is your guarantee.
This is so much fun! I love starting new things. I have a tendency, however, to move on to new projects and leave the old ones unfinished, just because it’s so much fun to plan and “start” things! That’s one reason I started a blog. I get to start something new every day and it’s finished when I say it is! I also need the discipline of writing every day. Writing is sort of like working out without the sweat. I need a warm up exercise and a cool down exercise, and blogging is good for both. Today its my cool down, since I’ve already worked on my book.
So , please visit frequently and I’ll keep you posted on what is happening over here. For those who have been asking, the book is about half finished. Please pray that I will continue to be led by Holy Spirit and that God gets all of the glory from the beginning to the end of the book. I’ll be back tomorrow. I think I’m going to write about grief, but it depends on what mood I wake up in!
