You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'grief' category.
Thw Bible says that there are seasons for mourning. September 11 marks the most significant time of national mourning since my birth. It was so sudden and jarring, and for my family, very close to home. There are times, and this was one of them, that comfort cannot be found. There were no words to make us feel better, we simply had to mourn.
We had to feel the shock, and pain and vulnerability. We had to cry. We had to get angry at injustice. We had to hold onto each other and be held by God. I remember that part so well; holding on. In times like those, everything that we know is sort of up in the air, there is nothing we can do and our only recourse is to be. We just have to be in pain and be together and as we cry out to God we find that He is not expecting anything more of us and is perfectly willing to just be with us too.
When we can just be with Him, something changes. The circumstances don’t, but somehow, eventually, the edges are softened, our hearts are calmed and at some point we start to hear that still, small, voice once again and we gain strength for the next moment. Mourning is a slow and tedious process but if we give in to the process, we find that the process works. It is the vehicle we have been given to bring us from shock and despair to celebrating life again.
Today we remember what happened and the people we lost but we are not mourning in the same way. Other times of mourning will come. They always do. In the mean time, we need to enjoy the seasons we are in and always spend time just being with God so that we know instictively where to go when we are blinded by pain.
Psalm 56:8:
8 You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
I love this season of Passover, Good Friday and Resurrection Day. I am in more awe at the magnificent plan of God every year! This year I am a little more in awe because today is not only Good Friday, the day the Passover Lamb was sacrificed, but it is also the 30th anniversary of a very special and personal passover.
Thirty years ago today one of the largest tornadoes in recent history ripped through Wichita Falls, Texas destroying thousands of people’s homes and killing 42. Our home was destroyed while my parents,grandmother, dog, brother and myself huddled in a closet. The chimney fell into our living room. If it had fallen just inches in a different direction we would have all been crushed. None of us even had a scratch.
It seems that every year I live I am increasingly aware that it was surely the Hand of God that protected us. Just before the tornado hit, my mom handed a Bible to my brother and told him to read Psalm 91. Many people talk about the noise of that enormous storm, but honestly, the only thing I ever remember hearing was the sound of my mother’s prayers. I hadn’t thought about it until this year, but ironically, the tornado hit during Passover.
I look to that event as those in the Old Testament looked at the altars they built to commerate the Great things God had done for them so that future generations would know of the faithfulness of God. So I write about this event and post the photos not to re-live a tragedy, but to show that God was faithful to His Word. Everyone was hurt that day; some more than others. I mourn with those who lost more than just their homes. Sometimes there is a bit of survivors guilt that makes it hard, but I must give God the glory for what He did that day for my family.
Sometimes the healing takes a long time. The sting may never go away completely, but our God is a God of redemption and in the end, He makes all things beautiful. For my family, the redemption came two years ago with the birth of my brothers son Ethan on April 10, 2007. God has given us something to rejoice over on a day that is referred to as Terrible Tuesday to all who knew of it. Thank you Jesus, Our Redeemer for keeping us alive to see your redemption in the next generation.
The photos from left to right:
1. The merged tornadoes on the ground
2. My street
3. My living room
4. The four funnels just before they merged
So the economy stinks. We have to adjust. It’s really hard for many Americans right now, but some have it even harder.
I am friends with a young man in the military. He fought in Iraq and is now stationed in Germany. He spends most of his time trying, with the help of God, family and friends, to recover from his time in Iraq. He’s an incredibly brave young man. Not so much for becoming a soldier but for his heartbreaking honesty regarding what it has done to him. We often think of supporting troops while they are “over there”, but it’s when they come home, if they come home alive, that they really need help. The nightmare doesn’t end when their tour does or even when the war does. It’s recurring. My friend said I could share his poem. I think it speaks for itself.
Decision
Could it be that little girl or little boy
is it real or just a toy
Everyday is never the same
so our heads have to be in the game
the kids look like their having fun
Truth is their about to shoot and run
In Iraq its the kids that pull the trigger
who ever would have figured
we can’t look at the enemies age
even the young are sage
In your arms watching them die
Leaves you breathless, with not even a sigh
It’s all part of war
That’s why you have to be hardcore
They have the choice but made a mistake
Because it was our life or his to take
This road has been hard and long
But He is the one that did the wrong
This war has made my life a living Hell
Look into my life and you will be able to tell.
is it real or just a toy
Everyday is never the same
so our heads have to be in the game
the kids look like their having fun
Truth is their about to shoot and run
In Iraq its the kids that pull the trigger
who ever would have figured
we can’t look at the enemies age
even the young are sage
In your arms watching them die
Leaves you breathless, with not even a sigh
It’s all part of war
That’s why you have to be hardcore
They have the choice but made a mistake
Because it was our life or his to take
This road has been hard and long
But He is the one that did the wrong
This war has made my life a living Hell
Look into my life and you will be able to tell.
The economy isn’t the biggest problem in our country.
Nehemiah 1:11
O LORD, I beseech thee, let now thine ear be attentive to the prayer of thy servant, and to the prayer of thy servants, who desire to fear thy name: and prosper, I pray thee, thy servant this day, and grant him mercy.
O LORD, I beseech thee, let now thine ear be attentive to the prayer of thy servant, and to the prayer of thy servants, who desire to fear thy name: and prosper, I pray thee, thy servant this day, and grant him mercy.
Pray for the soldiers and their families.
My first book is now available for purchase! Its official release date is not unitl December 16, but it can be purchased directly from the publisher at:
I am excited and scared all at the same time. My prayer is simply that my readers encounter God in a profound way as they read this book. I want them to experience Him as their hope, courage, strength, and most of all, friend. If any of you want to let me know your response to the book, please comment on this blog, or check my website www.livingthecall.com for other ways to reach me. I’ve spent a long time trying to say what I thought the Lord would have me say and now I’m really ready to hear from you! Thank you so much for your faithfulness in praying for me and the book.
I haven’t written in a few days. I’ve just been too sad. Our beloved bulldog puppy died on Friday. It’s been really strange. I know she’s “just a dog” but we’ve all found ourselves in a place of mourning that equals losing a very special friend.
I miss everything about her. She had the most joyful disposition and it was impossible to be around her and not enter into her happiness. She had so much love in her little being and she insisted on sharing it with those around. She like to run and leap onto sofas or beds or wherever her current object of affection happened to be seated.
As I wept for our sweet Riley I was reminded of how the the Father loves even the animals He created and how much greater is His love for us. I thought of Him and how His heart must break each time He witnesses the death of an unborn baby, or a soldier, or anyone. As I said to one of my friends, my heart was broken wide open, so I decided I may as well camp out there (in that place of intercession) for a while.
I’ve decided to just stay for a while in that place of being touched with the things that grieve Jesus. If we are His friends, and that’s what He calls us, then we have to cry with Him as well as rejoice with Him.Nothing touches His heart more than His children who are lost.
I had a vision once of Jesus weeping. It looked like He was in what I imagine the Garden of Gethsemene looked like. I watched for a moment, then thought of how alone He’d been in that garden and my heart grew heavy. Then I thought, “Not anymore!” I never, ever wanted Him to weep alone, so I walked over, knelt beside Him and wept with Him for the people He was crying out for.
Maybe for some, crying for my puppy and intercession are just too big a gap to close, but for me turning my sorrow into intercession is the only way to make sense and use of grief.
I just spoke with one of my dear friends. She’s just barely recovered from open heart surgery and called to tell me that now she’s being sent to a surgeon for a tumor. I had just gotten off the phone when I heard another friend on a local radio station. She was talking about the struggles and rejection her family has endured because of the color of her children’s skin. That was it!
The personal struggles of those close to me coupled with images of weeping mothers in China and tornado victims in the midwest was enough to make me want to rend my clothes, throw ashes on my head and wail. That’s not exactly socially acceptable in 21st century America, though. So, I am resorting to our cultural equivalent; blogging. I am crying out to God and anyone else who will listen. My heart breaks over the suffering and injustice and I weep for the Body of Christ to come together in mercy and power for those in need of water, food, shelter, healing, comfort and hope.
My plea is for God to so change my heart that I carry the very presence of God to the needy people all around us. I want His love to pour out of me onto their wounds and for them to know that they have been touched by the Living Messiah. I pray that all Believers will be moved to action by the things that move Jesus to tears.
- James 1:27 (Whole Chapter)
Pure religionand undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. - Matthew 25:35-36
35For I was a hungry, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
Right now I am in the thick of finishing the final edits for my first book Walk It Out. When I have a project like this I tend to be hyper focused. Already today, I’ve been on my computer for over three hours and it’s only 8 a.m.!
This is the hardest part for me. First of all, details aren’t my forte. On top of that I’ve written and read this book so many times that sometimes I can’ t see the trees for the forrest, if I can use the inverse of an old saying. And to make it just a little more interesting there are still times when I read it, that I have to just stop and cry.
Sometimes I wonder when I’ll stop crying over these things, and then I think again. There is a part of me that doesn’t ever want to stop crying. The healing of my heart has by and large been accomplished. I’m not crying so much out of pain as I am out of tenderness. It’s something that happens when the Lord crushes us. The wounds heal, but the heart is never the same.
The more we allow God to break us, the more room in our hearts He has to touch us with His own feelings. We start to experience the very emotions of Jesus. We feel the love and compassion that He has for others. We grieve over the sin and injustice that break His heart. Not only that, we are filled with the pure joy of living that only comes from the Giver of Life.
The process is never what we expect or want, but the results are so worth the pain. So I continue to live and write and cry and laugh as I embrace the cross that creates the way for all He wants me to be. Whatever cross you’ve been given, and however difficult it is, embrace it fully and get everything out of it that the Lord will give you. It is a gift. The promises of God can never be fully realized until the cross is fully embraced.
These are difficult times we live in. Individuals, families, churches and entire communities are experiencing testings and trials and are suffering in various ways. As someone who is no stranger to trials, I empathize with those who are going through difficulties. I’ve noticed that when things get tough, it is human nature to judge and point fingers. I’ve watched over and over in my own life and in the lives of others that people who are suffering are easy targets for judgers and fixers.
The judgers want to tell you why you are in the situation you find yourself in and the fixers want to tell you exactly how to get out. Both are operating in pride, and most of us have been guilty on both counts. When you are on the receiving end of this it brings everything from condemnation to anger, and leaves you with even more to deal with than before!
So with the times we are in becoming more difficult, I thought it was worth re-posting this.
1 Chronicles 21:13
“I am in deep distress. Let me fall into the hands of the LORD, for his mercy is very great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men.”
The deeper our distress, the more we long to be in the hands of God. Jesus is just so kind. He understands our plight. He is the incarnation of the mercy seat; that place covered by His blood and filled with the presence of God. Oh, to be in that place when we are hurting!
Unfortunately, we have all had times of distress when we have fallen into the hands of men. Sometimes even well meaning humans create even more distress because they unwittingly operate from the position of the judgement seat rather than the mercy seat. This is the difference between having compassion and “feeling sorry”.
True compassion is born out of suffering that has given birth to empathy. Jesus had (and has) compassion for people because He chose to identify with us in humanness and suffering. Those who merely feel sorry for others have distanced themselves from the suffering of others and say with the pharisees, “Thank God I’m not like that!” Sometimes they even take a kind of perverted comfort in the sufferings of others. Other times they are the types who know just what the problem is and have the simple solution that will change your situation. The ten commandments were the simple solution. If everyone just followed them, things would go well. The only problem is, the law was never meant to be the solution.
Jesus came to be the solution. He didn’t come to point out the pain and suffering and sin and sickness. He came to become the pain and suffering and sin and sickness. He became it, to conquer it, so that we could find our life in Him and operate from the mercy seat.
We have to continually humble ourselves in order to receive mercy and give it to others, and we have to guard our hearts so that we do not become like the Pharisees. To identify with Christ means to be intimately aware of our own brokenness and need for Jesus and to identify with the suffering and brokenness of humanity. We can only give as much mercy as we realize we have received. As humans, we really want to have answers for people and their problems. We can’t always give answers, but we can always give mercy.
Hebrews 2 18For because He Himself [in His humanity] has suffered in being tempted (tested and tried), He is able [immediately] [c]to run to the cry of (assist, relieve) those who are being tempted and tested and tried [and who therefore are being exposed to suffering].
I know it has been a while since I checked in. It’s been even crazier than usual at my house. My six year old has had some problems that were keeping me really busy. He needs occupational and physical therapy, so I’ve dropped out for a while so that he can go. That turned out to be a really good move because right after Thanksgiving I started home schooling my fourteen year old again.
So, my life looks nothing like it did just a few weeks ago! Again, I’m being stretched and challenged in every way. Just when I thought I was at the breaking point, my friend called for prayer. Her friend is dying from complications of paralysis after twenty years. My heart sank. There are more people that we’ve prayed for that die than get well. I felt the little bit of wind that I had left in my sail, flow right out. Praise God for friends who intercede. My friends prayed, and the discouragement lifted and I was finally able to pray again.
Then I read the news about the shootings at YWAM and New Life in Colorado. It hit hard. Maybe it was the reality check that I needed. As followers of Christ, we only live and die to bring God glory. These other things, as difficult as they can be, are very short term.
My heart is broken and that’s OK. God is near to the broken hearted. The seeds of Life take root easily in ground that has been broken open, and they grow as they are watered by the tears of prayer that we pour out. We live in times of much warfare and many sorrows, but these are the kind of times that God can use to draw people to Himself and show Himself mighty.
It is more important than ever that we surround ourselves and each other with prayer and encouragement. It is time to take our places. This is the time we’ve been born for, and the hour to fulfill the destinies that God has given us both individually and corporately. Don’t look back and don’t give up!
Passage Isaiah 50:7:
7 Because the Sovereign LORD helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint,
and I know I will not be put to shame.
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed… Isaiah 40:4-5
Today is November 17. Twelve years ago yesterday I lay in the ER becoming increasingly helpless as paralysis overtook my body. This used to be a very hard day for me. It was a day that I really had to fight the enemy just to keep my head above the waters of discouragement and sadness.
It’s different now. If I really think about it, I suppose it is emotional, but not like it was. I have twelve years of perspective on my side. Things look different from here. I have twelve years of watching God meet our every need and twelve years worth of incredible testimonies. I have twelve years of being held so tight in the arms of God that my tears are tears of thanksgiving! I have new and more pressing challenges than what happened in the past, and I have twelve more years with a faithful God to help look to the next twelve with hope and faith.
Incredible things have happened both beautiful and heartbreaking. I’ve learned to allow God to even out my path, and not allow the low places to bring me too far down, nor let the high places carry me away. It is in remaining focused on His face that our paths are made straight and when we hold onto the Rock we remain stable. It is then that He is able to reveal His glory to us, in us and through us. And isn’t that everything we ever wanted anyway? Suddenly, it doesn’t matter how we got there, but just that we are there, in His glory.
Passage Revelation 22:17:
17The [Holy] Spirit and the bride (the church, the true Christians) say, Come! And let him who is listening say, Come! And let everyone come who is thirsty [who is painfully conscious of his need [a]of those things by which the soul is refreshed, supported, and strengthened]; and whoever [earnestly] desires to do it, let him come, take, appropriate, and drink the water of Life without cost.(A)
The voices of the Bride and the Bridegroom are echoing loudly and often. In the churches and gatherings of believers I hear the cry. It’s being voiced in songs and prayers, declarations and sobs. There is such a longing for Jesus to come, not just in some future and celestial sort of way, but immediately and into the circumstances of Earth. His Bride is longing for His touch, His words, His comfort and His justice. The Bride says, “Come!”
At the same time His voice can be heard just as clearly calling to those who are thirsty. To those who are in love with Him, He says, “Come!” and to those who don’t yet know Him, but are aware of their need, he says. “Come!”
Everywhere I look it seems that people are in situations that cause them to be painfully aware of their need to be supported and strengthened. If you are in that catagory, I have good news for you! You qualify to drink freely of the Water of Life! Jesus is saying to you, the same thing you are saying to Him. “Come!”
If you are satisfied with where you are, and you don’t see any real need for Jesus to come and invade your life with His presence, I pray that your situation changes. If you’ve become comfortable in your spiritual life, I pray for holy dissatisfaction to grip your soul until you cry out for more of God in your life. If you think everthing is just fine the way it is, and you feel like you are somewhat in control of things, I pray that your eyes are opened and you see that you are poor and naked and needy of the only One who is in control.
May we all cry out together, “Maranatha!”
The hand of God is always upon those He loves. Sometimes a touch from God is a hug or kiss and sometimes it’s a slam that puts us right on our face before Him. He always puts His finger on the places that need surrendering. At our house it seems that He plays us like a piano…always touching key places at the same time.
That’s how it is right now. He gives little reprieves then pulls the stray strings in our hearts and we are undone again. I once found the whole routine rather disturbing, and always longed to get out of it. I’ve come to not only expect it, but to actually enjoy it, in a strange sort of way. It’s always uncomfortable, and often painful, but still there is this sweet sense of intimacy that comes when the Lord touches places in our lives that we weren’t even aware of.
Although I worry and fret over circumstances like everyone, I’ve become less inclined to do so, as I’ve learned these times aren’t about the circumstances at all. They’re really about Him getting all of me. So I focus on what He’s after and hide in His heart and wait for Him to do what He will with the circumstances.
I went to a house of prayer yesterday with my very active six year old. He doesn’t have much patience for waiting in God’s presence yet, and I knew I was stretching him to even attempt it. Kids are amazingly keen in their ability to pick up their parents’ feelings. He sat down next to me and said, “Do you want to cry to God, Mom?”
“Yes,” I answered a little surprised at his insight. “Me too, but my tears won’t come out,” he replied as he sqinted his eyes.
“Let’s just cry with our words then,” I suggested. Earlier in the morning while reading the Bible, God had directed me to Matthew 10:47. It was the passage where Blind Bartemeus was cryng out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
Everyone around Him told him to be quiet. It wasn’t very dignified or polite the way he was carrying on, but he was desperate for a change. Jesus liked that and took notice. That’s where my heart is once again. It has become a familiar desperation, a recognizable ache in my heart. I’m beginning to understand that it’s not my heartache so much as it is His.
The word says that God gives us the desires of HIS heart. His heart desires, longs for and aches for us. I think He sometimes allows these circumstances in our lives not only so we feel how desperate we really are for Him, but also so we can comprehend how desperate He is for us.
So wherever you are today, know that God is drawing you, and if you’re in a difficult or painful place, you are even more blessed, because He is revealing His heart to you. Cry out to Him and He will surely take notice because He lives and died to hear the voice of His beloved.
Right now I would normally be writing an update on my health, but that’s just not on my mind. Last Sunday we were praparing for our trip to Pittsburgh to visit the doctor. Josiah always stays with Tom and Kitty Hinkle and their four boys. He had never been away from me until I started going to this doctor. He was aprhensive at first, but because of Tom and Kitty and their huge hearts for children, he was now looking forward to staying away from home.
While we were packing, we received a call that Tom had just died of a heart attack. The news was so shocking and the ramifications so devestating that I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Tom worked from home and Kitty homeschooled the boys. They were about as close as a family can get. The boys were accustomed to playing with their dad in the middle of the afternoon when most dads are away at work. He loved his family and took time to build it. His absence would be a glaring one for both family and friends alike.
Unfortunatly, I was in Pittsburgh during the viewing and memorial service, but I wanted to share the incredible report I heard about it. The night of the viewing a storm hit both the church and the Hinkle’s home knocking out power and causing small amounts of damage. The viewing had to be postponed until the next day and the Hinkle’s had to stay the night with friends. It seemed like the enemy was kicking them while they were down, but God would get the final word.
The next morning the viewing was held as scheduled and the service began on time. The Hinkle’s were surrounded by family, both spiritual and natural. In a move of incredible grace and bravery, Kitty spoke at her husband’s funeral, reassuring those gathered that Tom was safe in the Father’s arms. At Kitty’s request, an altar call was given at the end of the service and 31 people gave their lives to the Lord. I couldn’t help but think of this scripture:
John 12:24 (Whole Chapter)
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
Nothing will take away the pain of missing Tom, but there is such comfort in knowing that God answered our prayers to bring something beautiful out of this tragedy. Praise and honor to our faithful God and all of His love and mercy to the Hinkles.
This grief thing has been tumbling around in my head the last few days. Well, that’s not exactly true. It was more like a deep well of grief inside me was struck, and the grief started gushing up like some kind of over active geyser. I cried for hours, then pulled it together enough to go to my neighbor’s house for the 4th of July.
I faked it pretty well until Ryan showed up. I can’t fake anything around him. Like when we were dating and I was trying to play hard to get and in utter frustration I blurted out,”Oh! It doesn’t matter. I know I’m going to marry you anyway!” So much for being demure. So that’s how I am with him. Wide open! Sometimes it annoys me.
Grief annoys me, too. It doesn’t ask for a proper time to present itself. It just shows up and takes over. It’s almost impossible to ignore or put aside until later, but in our culture we’re expected to somehow tame it. Sometimes I wish we had a wailing wall in every church, so that we could just get it out. Instead, in most churches, they’d take you out if you were really grieving. I was overcome with grief once, so I went to church. I just wanted God, so when the altar call was given, I was the first one there. I must have been some kind of sight because the pastor started making excuses for me to the congregation.
It’s not that way in the African American culture. They know how to grieve and let grieve. They don’t try to explain it away or comfort the person until they are quiet. The word of God says to weep with those who weep. Even Job’s friends had it right until they started trying to explain his problems with their own understanding.
- Job 2:13 (Whole Chapter)
So they sat down with [Job] on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief and pain were very great.
They didn’t speak a word, but they didn’t leave him either. They entered into his suffering with him. That’s the essence of intercession. Intercession is the flip side of grief. That’s what Jesus did for us.
Isaiah 53:4 (Whole Chapter)
Surely He has borne our griefs …
We have to enter into the grief, embrace the cross and allow it to do its work. Once we’ve allowed it to happen, those deep places filled with grief empty out and make room for wells of intercession. Sometimes those wells will be filled with the griefs of others, and sometimes with the grief the Holy Spirit and as they are emptied out to the Lord in intercession, the wells fill up with Living Water for your own life and for others.
So, although I don’t welcome grief, I’ve learned to embrace it. If you are grieving right now, don’t try to stop it. Weep as long and as loudly as you need. Even better, find someone who will enter into it with you, and know for certain that Jesus has entered into your grief and He will turn your sorrow into gladness and your mourning into praise. It really will happen. The blood of Jesus is your guarantee.
